Fall is starting to peek its head around the corner here. The mornings and nights are cooler and there are fewer tourists here. This week Big M started a new school three days a week after staying home all summer. Little m and I are getting into a routine while Big M gets some much needed peer time and Mommy gets a bit of a break from one of her two busy little rugrats. I have the kids 99% of the time and D is still working like a mad man. Regardless of the hustle and bustle, I am optimistic that this fall will be our turning point to settle in and enjoy more family time on the Cape.
I absolutely love this time of year. The fall marks the start of school, Halloween, and Thanksgiving--my favorite holiday. Back to school reminds me of my first semester at the University of Kentucky back in 1996. Working at UK until last November when Little m was born kept me in the loop with the academic calendar. As much as I loved seeing new students, I did not like the traffic that they brought with them and will not miss it. This is the first fall in 15 years that I have been away from Lexington. I kinda miss the Big Blue Nation and fall football tailgating.
This weekend marks a very tragic and eventful occurrence in American history. September 11, 2001 was a horrific day for all Americans, especially for those who lost a friend or family member. It is difficult to fathom that this is the tenth anniversary of 9/11, for I can remember it just like it happened last week or last month. My heart goes out to all those who lost someone during 9/11.
As much as I love the fall, it wasn't always this way for me...The fall, 9/11, and this time of year in general have weighed on me for other reasons. The dreaded 9/11 is very personal to me for another reason that started back in 1993. I was 15 and a sophomore in high school in a small town in Kentucky. My parents were divorced and I lived with my father and brothers. My dad liked to make our weekends together very special and our Saturday night ritual usually consisted of dinner, a movie, and then a trip to the grocery or occasionally shopping at the mall in a larger town nearby. We spent quality time together and it was great. He often let me bring along a friend so I wouldn't feel like a total teenage dork out with her father on a Saturday night.
Saturday, September 11, 1993 was not much different from any other Saturday, or at least it didn't start out to be. Dad took another girl and I out for the evening and then she convinced him to let me stay at her house for the night. We had alternate plans of which my father knew nothing. He didn't usually like me to stay overnight because he couldn't protect me or trust me, but for some reason he liked this girl and he trusted her.
I remember going to another guy's house where he was having a small get together. He had graduated high school, as had many of his friends, and there were also quite a few high school girls. There was alcohol at the party. This wasn't the first time I had drank, nor would it be the last. I was 15 (this pivotal age keeps repeating itself in my head. As a mother, I realize that I was still a child at 15 and had no business drinking). I was 15 and I was drinking some sort of bourbon or whiskey. There were older guys there, as I had already mentioned, and many of the girls were acquaintances and not necessarily friends of mine.
I remember a guy that I had a crush on being at the party. We never really spoke much because I was shy around guys. Once I got a few drinks in me I became rather uninhibited and became really chatty and outgoing. My crush had a friend there "L" who kept trying to get my attention, especially after I drunkenly confessed that I was a virgin and I wanted to stay that way until I was married--hey, I was a Catholic girl in a rural, conservative town in the South. That is what every respectful Catholic girl did, right? I remember feeling sick and trying to get to the bathroom. A couple was in there fooling around and I couldn't get in the bathroom in time. "L" offered to take me outside to get some fresh air after I vomited all over the floor. What a valiant guy!
Many of the events that happened after this are still a bit fuzzy for me. I remember the cool fall air on the face. I remember an RV being parked outside. I remember getting something from L's truck. I remember going into the RV. I remember L climbing on top of me. I don't remember kissing him. I remember L being naked. I remember pain. I remember blacking out. Then I remember being dropped off in the wee hours of the night at the girl's house by the guy who had the party. I remember trying to tell her what happened and her being excited that I had lost my virginity. I remember being really confused because I was not at all excited. I felt guilty, used, and very confused.
I went home the next day very hungover and laid in my bed the rest of the day. I was too young and too embarrassed to tell an adult what had happened. I was surrounded by a house full of guys. All I heard them talk about was girls and sex. In a small town, if you are drinking and you have sex then you probably wanted it. I thought it was my fault and I deserved it.
I dove into depression for at least six months. I did not want another guy to touch me. I was damaged goods. I was no longer a virgin and was not good enough for anyone else. I kept all of these emotions inside me and shared them with no one else. I went about my life on the outside business as usual while I stopped studying because I could no longer concentrate and my self-esteem and self-worth plummeted. All anyone else knew was that I was drunk and had sex. I still made good grades and was a cheerleader. I was popular and still snuck away to parties to drink. I didn't even realize that I had been raped. I was raped! It actually took me ten years, yes, ten years to fully understand that I was raped. I spent ten years being depressed and hiding behind alcohol to justify any stupid thing I did. I was a mess and I hid it well.
At age 25, I went to the doctor for a physical and was asked a series of questions. One of the questions pertained to rape. I answered in the affirmative. She asked if I had ever received counseling for it and I answered no. She then asked if I would like to receive counseling for rape and I answered yes. That's all it took; someone just had to ask. I then received the counseling that I needed to understand what had happened, why it had happened, and why it shouldn't define me or my worth.
Let this be a cautionary tale to all you mothers and fathers who may read this! Know your kid's friends. Know their families. Regardless of what you are experiencing in your personal life, be it single or married, be involved and aware of who your kids are spending their time with and what they are doing. Do not be so wrapped up in your own depression, etc. that you ignore who your daughters or sons befriend. I had every intention of getting drunk that night. I had lied to my father. I had chosen to hang out with someone who was known to have a reputation. I was going to a party with much older guys. And I was a virgin. I was too young to understand the repercussions of the choice I had made to drink at a party with older guys.
It was unfortunate that it took ten years for me to acknowledge that my first sexual experience was rape and I made a lot of poor choices in the ten years that followed, but I learned from them and have since moved on in my life. I had a lot of regrets in my life, but now I look back and am glad they are all behind me. I have learned to be accountable for my actions and to surround myself with positive, encouraging, well-intentioned people so that I may encourage my children to make good choices and treat others kindly. I want my sons to respect girls and be well adjusted men one day.
I have chosen not to let this anniversary define me. I will not forget it because it did happen to me, but I will reflect on it a bit and leave it in the past. I have chosen to be happy and to take back the fall to enjoy all of the great things it offers. I have a husband and two beautiful boys who I love very much. I am very blessed and fortunate this fall and am looking forward to many more.
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