Let me start by stating that I am venting. I am writing down my emotions as a therapeutic tool to clear my head and also to reach out to see if anyone who might be reading this can relate. My intention is to obtain support and encouragement, not criticism or disdain.
Perhaps The Ramones best sum up my emotions at this moment:
"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no..."
I feel overwhelmed and lost. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and, despite numerous reminders to DH, he forgot the focus of the day. Instead he bitched about how the house was a disaster, laundry was started and not finished, the kitchen was a a mess from my cooking the night before, the kids' illnesses were making him sick, that I needed to stop babying Little m and put him in his crib (more on this later), his mom still hadn't received photos from our trip, and so on...He failed to see that we had moved two weeks before we went on vacation. While he returned from vacation, I was visiting with family and friends in the Bluegrass. Overall, I was away for almost three weeks. The boys got sick on the trip and only napped in the car or in bed next to me (read: I got little to no sleep for two weeks straight). Neither Big M nor Little m had been eating much with their illnesses, so Little m only wanted to nurse (read: it is exhausting making enough nourishments to feed a nearly 12 month old, but I love that I can provide it and it comforts him). I have carpal tunnel syndrome and tennis elbow--which are both strained by holding 24+ pounds of baby most of the day. Overall, sleep deprivation and constant aches and pains are both physically and mentally exhausted and nothing I do seems to be good enough.
Nothing I do seems to matter. I feel like DH is my third child. So long as his needs are met--above our children's needs--he is moderately content. He comes home from work and critiques me on every little thing and informs me on how his way is so much better--as if I have time to constantly appease him. He refuses to help me bathe the boys and the only way he feeds them is if it is something quick and easy (and minimally messy) that they can feed themselves (read: cereal bars, crackers, etc. When the baby cries, he almost always thinks he is hungry and wants to nurse, but then he complains that the baby almost always wants me to hold him. He offers to take Big M to school (part time--hooray), but only if I rush to feed him breakfast, dress him, and pack his lunch. To me, it feels like my job it to make DH's life easier. Is it selfish to think that I should be granted equal respect?
Why is it my job to constantly sacrifice myself and put my own needs last? When I try to speak with DH, he twists things around and tries to make me feel guilty for needing some alone time. We have no extra money (I currently have $12 in checking and he made me clear out my savings account--a whopping $300--to pay bills). We rent a very nice house and drive nice cars, but we use most of his monthly income for it. I do not understand why we have to have the big house and nice cars if we cannot afford them and he refuses to pay anyone for the upkeep (I am free labor, right?!?). Why do we ever need a date night or time away from the kids to connect when we can constantly bicker and take one another for granted?!?
Things really need to change before I become any more resentful and bitter than I already am. I need a partner who treats me like an equal (or at least close to it), who treats me with respect and does not call me names or belittle me to get what he wants, and who respects my opinion enough to listen to logic and not back us into impossibly stressful situations that aren't necessary. I need a partner to swallow his pride and occasionally do things that make him uncomfortable (read: exercising and eating well to improve his quality of life, taking time for himself and letting his mind rest on occasion, taking time to enjoy his kids playing and ignoring that it might be something
he doesn't want to do.) I need a partner who can find happiness in the little things in life and not always seem like he is miserable. Misery is difficult to be with and can make it hard to be relaxed and happy.
